My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
