you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
