She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
