I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Randomize
