we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
