You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
