I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
