Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
