Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
