watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
