If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
