final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
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