Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
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