It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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