I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Randomize
