drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
