I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
