I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
