Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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