evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
did you just send me my own nude
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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