Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
