Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
