I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
