Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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