ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
