i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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