I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
