Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Randomize
