My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
