WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I queefed so loud it echoed.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
