Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
