My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
