Midget sex pt 2 tonight
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Randomize
