I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
