Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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