i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
