Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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