Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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