Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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