party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
