Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
