He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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