my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
