I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
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