You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
