be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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