the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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