You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
