I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
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