I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I love how my cats smell like pot.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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