There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
