it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
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