I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
