Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
