Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
