I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
