On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
